Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
