All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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