He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I skipped work to stalk him.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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