I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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