i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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