DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
