Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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