and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am spending my child support on dildos
well you can't waste a boner
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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