I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize