HIV tests are more positive than that guy
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
