this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
