Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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