when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
