the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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