Sry I called you an 8
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
