just come out here and I will go home with you...
my phone needs a breathalizer
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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