Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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