i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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