I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
please come you make the beer taste better
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
