I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
