I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize