awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
