I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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