Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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