mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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