she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize