You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize