Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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