her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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