am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
