Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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