last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
