I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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