I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
