The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
