Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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