I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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