i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize