I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
