I cannot find my penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
