Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
