he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Is it because I queefed?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
