I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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