Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize