I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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