Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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