is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
