awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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