you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
