I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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