don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
