I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
