bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
