I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Apparently you make a good broom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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