It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
