I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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