Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
