and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
