I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
