we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think my moral compass just broke
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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