dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm having to shit out rocks
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