but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
