If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
