I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
40s are totally the cure
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize