Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
