we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
cat food counts as protein by the way
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
